Our Founder & CEO Meggie Palmer chatted with Arielle Patrick from Edelman about building lasting relationships online. Her top takeaways? Help me, help you, close the feedback loop, and surprise and delight with care packages or handwritten notes.
I help run our mergers and acquisitions practice which also has a focus on bankruptcy and restructuring. It's a fusion of crisis management and broader consulting, helping CEOs and boards think through the most effective ways to communicate about complex financial decisions that they're making. And on the side, I sit on a few nonprofit boards and I also, as of the past two years, have been doing some angel investing. So, that's been fun to do.
Meggie: You’re one of the most well-networked people that I know in New York City and I'm really interested in you to share your wisdom today.
What are the things that are so important to developing quality relationships in business?
No spamming, only quick round-ups
Arielle: I think, first of all, focus on the word “relationship.” Relationships are meant to be long-term investments in other people and not only thinking about how they can serve you but how you can serve them. That's actually the most important part. So some things that I did early on in my career when trying to build my network, both in my firm and outside were, I thought, "what do I study, and know best from an information perspective that I can share with people?"
So, I actually would do these little end of the week round ups where I'd send people that I thought would be interested, little round-ups of the types of news and other industry updates that I was seeing that were compelling. It wouldn't be spamming them every day, but just a quick round-up. Here are some articles that I thought were pretty cool, here are some trends as I see them. That was one tactic.
“Relationships are meant to be long-term investments in other people and not only thinking about how they can serve you but how you can serve them. ”
When you introduce yourself to people
When you are introducing yourself to people, be very mindful of what actually connects you and what you might have in common and how you could benefit from one another as a two-way street. You have to explain that at the outset. It's often very stressful now that I'm on the receiving end and no longer making the request. I get these emails saying, can I pick your brain over coffee? Explain to me why that would be helpful for either of us. So, sort of, outlining the rationale at the outset is really important.
Keep your connections updated
And then the last piece is what I call the feedback loop. So often people will reach out to me to connect them with someone. The next thing you know they're saying “I saw you're connected to these three board members of this company on LinkedIn, can you introduce me?” One: ask me how well I know them, how comfortable I would be to make an introduction. Two: give me feedback on how the conversation went, and three: give credit, or at least thank the person or update them if something good comes of it.
You wouldn't believe the number of times where I've gotten people jobs. I didn't even know they got the job. One person got fired six months later. I wish I had known that before connecting them again.
So, keeping your connections updated on how they've helped you progress is really important. And of course, if you are again the person asking, find ways to add value. So, whether it's sharing Intel that you're getting from the industry or maybe saying, “Hey I wanted to introduce you to someone else who might be interesting.”
“I’ve never once asked her for anything. The few times that I’ve had to pick her brain about things, it was so easy because I never asked for anything.”
An example would be one of my mentors, an incredible woman. What I saw in common with her was that she was another black woman who went to Princeton that was working in the financial area. It took several months to find a connection and get time on the calendar. We had a coffee and I only asked for 15 minutes.
I remember we sat in the lobby of the St. Regis Hotel and she had a club soda and I was shaking nervous. At the very end of the meeting, she said, “what can I do for you? Why are we meeting?” And I said, “Nothing. I just think it would be important to stay connected and let me know if I can be helpful.” That spoke volumes and so she sent me a note after. I’ll never forget it. I think I framed it, or I should frame it! It said, “I'm honored to be in your orbit.” And I'm like, she's honored to be in my orbit?!
To this day, we've been connected for years. I never once asked her for anything. The few times that I've had to pick her brain about things, it was so easy because I never asked for anything. And then cut to a couple of years later, I helped her hire for her new chief of staff. I heard through the grapevine that her former chief of staff was leaving, and she needed help. I sent out tons of feelers and one of the candidates I sent her was hired. So that's adding value.
It may take a long time but find ways to be helpful to mentors. I know for a fact that if I have something big I need, I'm not embarrassed to ask because I've already shown that.
Meggie: I think this is a great quote, “ when you need help, it's too late to build a relationship.” So I think it's really important to be building those relationships early on. The other thing that you touched on is this concept of Give, Give, Get. So not reaching out to someone on LinkedIn with the expectation that you can sell it to them, rather helping and adding value, similar to your point with the newsletter digest that you did.
Can you think of how you can help start to build that relationship before the expectation of getting something in return? Do you have any examples of that in your career?
Arielle: As I said, being a connector is more important than being connected. It always comes back. Making intros is really important. Sometimes, you don't even know what the mutual connection will be. If you just think people have similar interests and a friendship or some sort of relationship could pan out, there's no harm in just asking, “hey do you mind being introduced to this person?” Explain what the reasons are for it, and why they'd be good connections. So many of those that I've done, years later, they ended up working together, doing business together. So you never know.
I actually love when friends become friends because then my circle gets tighter and stronger and I really believe that if other people are successful, the chances of me being successful rise.
A big part of my job is actually bringing in new accounts. So, since I work on transactions, we're not a retainer business where we have clients for years. I have clients for a merger or an acquisition or a restructuring. These are moments in time. So, I'm constantly having to generate new business. What I often find myself doing is favors for free for potential clients or referral sources. So that way I'm the first person that they think of.
“I actually love when friends become friends because then my circle gets tighter and stronger and I really believe that if other people are successful, chances of me being successful rise.”
An example would be, I met a really incredible lawyer at Sullivan & Cromwell. He runs the mergers and acquisitions practice and I mean he's a legend in the industry. I was even just honored to be in the room with him and I remember saying “always here if you need help”. It was a soft pitch. I just wanted him to know that we were available as a partner.
Several months later, he calls and says “I'm on the board of Brooklyn law school and we need help with a special project. The school doesn't have a lot of money.” It wasn't a deal but they needed a little bit of PR help and so we invested a ton of capital and time into helping him. And you know after that, the deals just kept coming. Now, I get regular work from him. So, doing favors; being a connector, more than expecting to be connected; and sharing information are the three ways that I not only generate new business, but also build relationships and my friend network as well as my professional network.
Meggie: Let's say, someone, reaches out to you and wants a connection with someone.
What is the best introduction email that someone can send you to kind of help facilitate those connections?
Arielle: So, I would actually say you are an expert at this! You should write the script. It's essential to make my job easier. Outline in the email why you want to be introduced, what the ask is, if any, hopefully, there's none. It's probably better if there's not an immediate near-term ask. But if there is, be transparent about it. And the last piece is to write me a draft email that I can send to the person that has your bio and information and a little bit about your background and what the synergies are. I just want a copy-paste then maybe add my own flair and send that off so that I'm not spending more hours in my day figuring out how to help you. So, help me help you.
Meggie: Totally! So sending a clear, maybe just two lines short, and including the hyperlinks. That's really, really valuable so that those introductions are easy for the person that you're asking. The other thing like things now is a real opportunity for all at home we're all on social media. A lot to have that understanding of people that you're connecting with, like what football team they follow, whether they have children…
Can you just talk about contextualizing things outside of work as well?
Arielle: I'm gonna flip it a little bit. I am asked the question all the time, “what's it like often being the youngest person in a room of senior people, the only person of color, and often the only woman? And I always say: the connections that we have with people are so much deeper than that.
Do your research
The reason why I'm often able to gather consensus in the rooms of often traditionally white men in their 50s who represent the majority of CEOs and board members is that I do the research beforehand. So, is the guy a Mets fan? Me too! So was my grandfather and so is my dad. That's something I'm gonna bring up. Where did he go to college? Was it the same place as me? Or somewhere my cousin went? Can I bring that up? You know, does he have a twin brother? Me too!
So, just finding those deeper human connections. That’s really how relationships are built, and I think often people assume that based on the way that you appear that you may have synergies with them. Just because maybe you belong to the same country club, or whatever the reasons are that create these sort of old boys’ clubs. But it’s so much deeper than that.
I always do the stalking. LinkedIn is a great place but also I will look them up on Facebook. Maybe there's a cute picture of their kid. I don't know, find something. I also like to see who I know in common with them if anyone is good to mention, like: “oh my gosh I just saw Frank the other day.” If you really feel like you're coming up empty, which I think is very hard. Ask questions. Express interest in who they are. Obviously, the opener for every email right now is “I hope you and your family are safe” … but maybe it's, “how have you been?”
“Express interest. The best thing is that person then knows that I’m in it long-term and it’ll come back.”
You know, one thing I did the other day was I asked someone: “how have you been spending your days? What do you like to do when you unwind? Like, “any good books or podcasts you're into?” That could lead to an incredible conversation, so stay curious.
This relates to relationship building in general. Express interest. The best thing is that person then knows that I'm in it for the long-term and it'll come back.
Meggie: Finding that point of connection is so crucial because also I think if you genuinely are interested, it's not about the sale. It's not about the deal. People can see through automated sales pitches.
Do you think that networking is a dirty word?
Arielle: I hate the word networking. First of all, it's a noun: Network. I don't know when it became a verb. Maybe sometime in the early 2000s or the 90s but it's terrible. I'm a grammar snob, so, sorry! But, the real reason is it's just so formulaic and transactional.
We're not networking. A network isn't really the point, it's a human connection. So, I prefer relationship building, helping, connecting, being of service, paying it forward.
Meggie: I think that’s really important as well. What about building relationships remotely?
What are you doing to stay connected?
Arielle: Everyone’s been asking me, how are you adjusting to working from home? It wasn’t an adjustment just because I travel so much for business, so I'm used to making things work from hotel rooms all the time. But, it is a different thing when you can't even, no matter what city you are in, jump into a coffee shop with somebody. I think if a call can become a video chat, that’s really helpful.
I’ve been scheduling virtual coffee with a lot of my colleagues throughout the day just to check-in. Virtual coffee is good. Try to keep it short 15-20 maybe, max 30 minutes as people are really swamped right now. And there’s nothing more awkward than being stuck in a video chat for an hour.
I also send things. I sent someone the other day a kit of face masks because I know that she's really into Korean beauty products. I also sent another prospective client some of my favorite food from Southampton - care packages are great.
Also notes, like letters, I know that may sound kind of creepy! But if done well, it can be great. It depends on how well you know the person.
Also speaking of handwritten notes, remember I mentioned the feedback loop and thanking people after they do things? Handwritten notes are an ideal way to do this. Email at minimum… but preferably a handwritten note to say thank you. If it's a big favor, flowers don't hurt either!
Who have you observed as one of the best people that you come across in your career? Who has built relationships really well?
Arielle: Well, you are definitely one of them Meggie! Remind me, how did we meet?
Meggie: We met when I was working at the Financial Times and I knew that you're a Wing member, so after the meeting, I was like, "Oh I might see you at The Wing! And then we just had that connection, exactly the point you made earlier.
Arielle: And Meggie, another way that you built the relationship was you kept sending me people that I would like to meet, that would be interesting and I've become friends with many of them. So that's always helpful.
“Email at minimum… but preferably a handwritten note to say thank you. If it’s a big favor, flowers don’t hurt either! ”
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