PepTalkHer Founder & CEO Meggie Palmer chatted with Alexandra Carter, a professor at Columbia Law School. She specializes in mediation and negotiation. Alexandra’s top tips for negotiating in uncertain times is preparation and getting centered, having courage, and striving for the No.
I'm a professor at Columbia Law School. I teach negotiation. I've been teaching people for the last decade-plus how to get better results from all of their conversations whether it's in the workplace or in the home. I’ve been doing it, especially over the last year as I've been writing a book.
I've connected with so many people, especially around the idea of helping women to get better results from every negotiation they have. My mission is empowerment and equity through negotiation. So, it really aligns with your mission at PepTalkHer.
What are your top tips for negotiating right now?
Alexandra: First of all, you want to be thinking about the types of uncertainty you're dealing with. For me, it's helpful to think about if I know what I'm grappling with. When I can separate those out into the parts, I'm better equipped to deal with it. Let me give you a few types of uncertainty that people can face during this period.
One is factual uncertainty. There's a lot we don't know about COVID, the pandemic itself. There's a lot we don't know, how it's going to affect our economies and our industries. There's a lot we don't know about how long it's going to go on, and what's going to happen on the other side. When we think about the factual complexity of that, it's broken down into a few different elements. One of them is ambiguity.
So think about how credible or reliable or complete the information you’re getting in. That's something for you really to assess. If you know that you have an ambiguity issue around the information, you want to write each piece of information down that you're getting. You want to work with a team. If you have someone to assess how reliable, how complete do you think this is, then work to supplement where you can. If you're dealing with factual complexity, I recommend breaking it all out. Think about how you can marshall your team and where you're going to need additional resources to fill in that space.
Another way that people can experience uncertainty is with emotions. This is obviously a heightened emotional time for everybody. It's not as though on January 1 of this year, the entire world said, “let's do an orderly transition to working from home, such that by mid-March, we're all going to be completely set up. We're going to know what we're doing.” Absolutely not. This was done as a crash. Not only was it done as a crash, but it was done in the midst of an economic crisis and a global health crisis.
I want to give people two things to watch out for emotionally when they are having challenging conversations at this time. First is fear. You're going to see a lot of people experiencing fear, especially around all of this uncertainty. You're also going to see people experiencing guilt. “What could I have done more to prepare, why didn't I put my business in a position where I could anticipate this?” When people have fear and guilt when they negotiate, they often stuck it down. And it comes out as anger, irritability, and frustration. Is anybody seeing any of those either in themselves or people they're talking to during this time? If so, this is a byproduct of uncertain times.
If you are having a negotiation with somebody, and you're getting that from the other side, I find it useful to take down the anger by basically acknowledging some of the fear. Say: “Listen, I want you to know that while we're having an issue on this one contract, I value this customer relationship. I want to find a way to work together for the long period,” Find ways to reassure and compartmentalize stuff that can help take some of that emotion down.
Can you negotiate in times of a pandemic?
Alexandra: Let me tell you first what negotiation is. Negotiation is not just a back and forth over money. Negotiation is steering relationships. And you better believe that you're not only going to be steering your relationships through this crisis. You're going to be doing extra steering. That's the same for me. I'm dealing with homeschooling my third grader, which I can't even, negotiating with my spouse over the home office, which I'm currently occupying, or whether I'm trying to manage all of the different customer and student relationships in my life.
But you can absolutely, even if you're pitching for work, negotiate in a crisis. You should, why? Because you believe in the value of what you have to offer. Do you know what you have that could serve people? If so, then you should continue to offer it.
Here's how I have thought about it during this time. When you're negotiating in a crisis, the relationship piece becomes extra important. People want to know that they can trust you. They want to have a sense that you're a whole complete person, that you are generous, and that you have a desire to serve. One way to negotiate during this period is by leading with a service offer.
I've been working during this period and giving a ton of free webinars. My first thought when all of this hit was just, I need to stay busy. I'm going to put something out that everybody can use and they can replay it as often as they want. Do you know I have received more offers for paid speaking in the two weeks that I started doing than I did before? And why is that? It's because when you put stuff out that's a free and different value, people want to work with you. I would say, absolutely keep negotiating, keep pitching, lead with service, and focus on building those relationships, and genuinely serving people. You're going to find that you're successful.
What are the three top things when it comes to negotiation?
Alexandra: Number one, what kinds of questions are you asking? And are you asking questions? A lot of times people assume especially if they're newer to negotiation or if they're unmoored by a crisis. They go in and they just start frantically pitching people like “here's what I have. Here's what I have. Here's what I have.” No. You need to lead with questions now more than ever. Tell me how things are going in your business. Tell me ways that I can serve you. Tell me what you need most to get you through this next quarter. Leading with questions is a critical skill to help you connect with people.
You also need to make sure that you are doubling down on your preparation. Preparation means that you are asking yourself the right questions. My book gives 10 questions that people can use to negotiate anything. Five, you ask yourself, and five, you ask somebody else. Let me give you a great question that you should ask yourself to start out every negotiation. You should be asking yourself: what's the problem I want to solve? And why is this so key right now?
Everywhere we look, we're confronted with problems that we cannot solve. I can't solve COVID. I can't solve the fact that my book tour has gone full virtual now. But what can I do? I can continue to serve people. I can continue to connect with people. There are still problems that I can solve out there. I think a lot of times when we're in this kind of crisis, we're either trying to solve the unsolvable or we can only look at what's right in front of our face. We want to be thinking about not just what's the problem I'm solving today, but long-range. Am I still working for it?
Ask other people questions. Ask yourself questions. During this time, something that I think is critically important is to be decisive in how you are making your proposals. You don't want to be sort of I scattershot, pitching everybody and trying every last avenue. I want you to strategically say, no, so that you can find your best yeses out there.
In other words, in times of crisis, I want to be thinking about not just who are my potential customers, but who's my ideal? Who am I a perfect match for? What do they need? And how do I make an extremely tailored pitch that's going to work even during this time?
What would you say to people who are negotiating from a place of fear or who haven't had a lot of practice negotiating? Are there any practical things that people can be negotiating at the moment?
Meggie: I had a woman sent through a question asking whether she's still allowed to ask for a raise because she's had a really great year. And another woman from Europe sent us an email asking about rent reductions and whether it's appropriate to try and negotiate with her landlord right now. Are there any practical tips that people can put into practice now to help them?
Alexandra: Yeah, absolutely. I would tell both of those women to think about how you are very likely the other person's best option. In other words, if you've had a great year, the market is still going to be good for great people. Doesn't your employer want to keep you there and keep a star performer happy? I would still say, I want you to empower you. Go in and say, “it’s a tough time right now. I've had a fantastic year. I'm really proud of what I've produced for this company. And I think we're going to need what I brought to the table last year, even more next year. And so I'd like for us to work together to bring my compensation to a level that really reflects that.”
Same thing with the landlord. I would go in and say, “It's not going to happen this month. Here's what's happened... But I want to tell you, I have strong prospects for recovery. All the steps I've taken to pivot my business in this climate and the amount of time that it would take for you to get somebody else in here and get them up and running at a time when lots of businesses are going out of business. I think I'm an attractive option and we should continue this partnership.” Empower yourself.
My book is called Ask For More like you should always ask, and chances are, we women tend to undervalue ourselves. You're always somebody's best option. So, act like it.
Meggie: I love that way of reframing it that you're probably the best option. I think a lot of the women who reached out to us were kind of fearful. Perhaps, that's because they hadn't considered or didn't believe that they were in fact, the best option.
What are your best top three tips for anyone who's about to have a negotiation conversation either with a client, a boss, or with their landlord?
Alexandra: Yeah, absolutely. First of all, I would say this is a time more than ever, to prepare and get centered. I think when you see the pace of the news, the pace of everything that's happening in the home, I would say now is really a time where you want to sit down. You’ll want to be thinking, “what's the problem I'm working to solve here? What do I really need out of this negotiation?” Get yourself set, so that when you come in, especially in an uncertain time, lots of changing circumstances, you want to really be prepared for that.
The second is to have courage. As you said, people in this crisis either feel like it's not the right time for them to be claiming their worth, to be asking for what they deserve, or to even go out and try to reach new people. Have confidence in who you are and what you have to offer. I have found that when I extend myself to people in service; when I show that I've really taken the time to get to know them, what they need, and how I can help, I make those connections.
The last thing is to persevere. Think about the long haul. This is going to be a time when not everything we try works. Ultimately, I want people to go out and strive for The No. A lot of times we fear the no. I want you to strive for the no. I want you to hit me up on Instagram and celebrate with me that you got five no’s that week. Why? Because the people who get the most no’s are the most successful because they are putting themselves out there the most. Therefore, they're going to get the most yeses too. I want you to prepare, have the courage, and also strive for the no. In doing that you're going to come back to me in a month and tell me you got so many more yeses than you ever anticipated.
“People who get the most no’s are the most successful because they are putting themselves out there the most.”
Meggie: That's awesome. I love that advice striving for the no. For anyone who doesn't already follow Alexandra on Instagram, you absolutely should. It's @AlexandraBCarter.
She has a book coming out called, Asked For More 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything. It's available on Amazon, on Barnes and Noble. Also available from your indie bookstores, many of whom are offering delivery or curbside pickup, and so where possible please support them. And you can also find her on her website, alexcarterasks.com.
Alexandra: We're going to be giving away portions of the book in advance to folks who sign up for my email list. And so I would love to see you there.
Meggie: I really recommend that everyone goes to alexcarterasks.com, there are some awesome worksheets on there that are free for you to download and use in your negotiating practice. I highly recommend that. The book is awesome as well. Please check that out. It's a great Bible. We've all got some time on our hands right now, let's be honest. So, it’s a good time to do some extra reading.
“Negotiation is steering relationships and you better believe that you’re not only going to be steering your relationships through this crisis. You’re going to be doing extra steering.”
You can check out Alexandra’s awesome work here on Instagram & website.
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